Chuck Norris Facts

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  • When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
  • Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
  • Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
  • Chuck Norris invented the apple.
  • Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
  • Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it’s just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
  • Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
  • Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
  • If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
  • Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
  • Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
  • Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What’s that? You say there’s no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn’t think so either.
  • Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.
  • P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
  • Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
  • Chuck Norris’ paradise is war.
  • Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
  • Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
  • Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
  • Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
  • Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
  • Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography….it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
  • Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
  • Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
  • As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
  • Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
  • Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
  • Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
  • The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth… then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
  • Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
  • Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
  • The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
  • Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
  • Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
  • Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
  • On the Asian market, Chuck Norris’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
  • See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
  • Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck’s legendary cannon balls.
  • Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
  • Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
  • If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
  • Chuck Norris’ smile once brought a puppy back to life.
  • You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
  • Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident….and still managed to walk it off.
  • Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
  • Chuck norris invented the corndog.
  • The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
  • Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
  • Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
  • Chuck Norris belives the hype.
  • Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
  • When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
  • When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
  • Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
  • Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
  • Chuck Norris wasn’t born with feet, just boots.
  • Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
  • When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
  • Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
  • Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
  • Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
  • Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
  • Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
  • Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
  • Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
  • Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.
  • Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
  • Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
  • “One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Chuck Norris! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘ChuckNorris’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'”
  • People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
  • Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
  • When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
  • Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
  • Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
  • Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
  • Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
  • People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
  • Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
  • Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
  • Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court.  He was known as Sir Beatdown.
  • Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself.  He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself.  He went undefeated.
  • In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
  • Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
  • Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
  • Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
  • Before sliced bread, people used to say “Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.
  • Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.
  • The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
  • Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
  • There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
  • There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
  • Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
  • Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
  • On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000
  • The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris
  • When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
  • Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
  • When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
  • You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
  • No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
  • Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”
  • On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.
  • Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
  • Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
  • Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.
  • Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
  • Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
  • Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
  • Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
  • Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.
  • The world’s fastest car has 7 gears.  5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
  • The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.
  • The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
  • In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
  • When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
  • The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
  • Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
  • Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
  • When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
  • Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
  • Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
  • Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
  • Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
  • Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
  • If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
  • Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
  • Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
  • The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
  • Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
  • Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
  • Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
  • Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
  • Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.
  • When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
  • Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
  • Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
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    116 Responses to “Chuck Norris Facts”

    1. Oh Superman you are incredible!! This is amazing!

    2. Chuck Norris : I am Chuck Norris
      Man:’You’r not Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris is seven feet tall.
      Chuck Norris: Yes, I’ve heard. Kills men by the hundreds. And, if he was here, he’d consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse

    3. Chuck Norris can win a game of connect four in only three turns

    4. Adam Pitman Says:

      Chuck Norris can pay the exact price of $2.995/gallon of gasoline at gas stations.

      Chuck Norris was never a virgin.

      Freddy Krueger fears Chuck Norris coming into HIS dreams.

      911 was invented for Chuck Norris victims.

      If you say “Bloody Chuck” three times in a row in front of a mirror, Chuck Norris will come out of that mirror and roundhouse kick you three times.

      Taking drugs makes Chuck Norris smarter.

      Chuck Norris never goes to church…church comes to Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris once coutned to infinity…infinity times.

      After Chuck Norris breaks a mirror, he has seven years of good luck…not that he needs it.

      Chuck Norris never went to school…school came to Chuck Norris.

      If two Chuck Norrises were to fight themselves, both would win.

      Chuck Norris is the only one allowed to edit the article “Sex” on Wikipedia.

      Chuck Norris doesn’t make threats…he sees into the future.

      Chuck Norris’s hit lists are listed officially in newspapers under the Future Obituaries section.

      Once you pop Chuck Norris, the fun does stop.

      Chuck Norris has never masterbated…ever…because he’s never needed to.

      Chuck Norris invented the act of inventing itself.

      Chuck Norris invented sex.

      You don’t even know how Chuck Norris is in bed while on Viagra…

      Chuck Norris can invent new elements themselves.

      The REAL Holy book is Chuck Norris’s little black book.

      There are no miracles…only times when Chuck Norris feels nice.

      The REAL first printed version of The Ten Commandments had an asterisk after “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”, with “Except for Chuck Norris” at the bottom.

      You can’t wish upon stars…only Chuck Norris…and he isn’t a very good wish granter for kids.

      We don’t have Chuck Norris Day as a holliday…we honor him every day.

      Chuck Norris actually knows the location of the legendary city Atlantis…if only because he caused its destruction…and it’s only legendary because it was honored by falling at the hands (and feet) of Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris’s coming into existance was the second coming of Jesus…and that’s giving the first carnation of Jesus a HUGE compliment.

      God and Jesus themselves were even turned down to just be Chuck Norris’s apprentices.

      The Fonz has to hit a radio to a radio to get it to start…Chuck Norris only has to stare it down.

      If you were to look up Chuck Norris’s official occupation, it would say “Chuck Norris”…the rest is implied.

      The reason The Incredible Hulk is green is because he became green with envy after seeing Chuck Norris.

    5. chuck norris sleeps with the light on not because he is afriad of the dark.it’s because the dark is afraid of chuck norris

    6. america dident lose the vietnam war five years later the sent in chuck norris to finish the score

    7. chuck norris has created the best jokes of himself in the world. he has not submited them yet because he does not believe in any form of submition.

    8. Charles Norrison Says:

      haha thats funny

    9. i wear chuck norris pajamas*

      *look at my name

    10. john seymore Says:

      every night the biigeyman checks the closet for chuck norris

    11. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

      When Chuck Norris does pushups he pushes the world down.

      Chuck Norris does not read he stares the book down until he receives the information he wants.

      When Chuck Norris takes a shower he doesn’t get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

    12. Chuck Norris is currently suuing NBC for taking his trademark names of his left and right arm: Law, and Order.

      There is no theory of evolution, just a bunch of animals chuck norris has allowed to live.

      They tried to put Chuck Norris picture on Mt rushmoore but the granite was not tough enough for his beard.

      The quickeset way to a mans heart is with chuck norris’ fist.

    13. scrwnywhiteguy Says:

      most ninjas want to grow up to be like chuck norris. most of them grow up to be killed by chuck norris

    14. Chuck Norris can fool mom.

    15. chuck norris can divide by zero

    16. A shark tried to attack Chuck Norris once and he made it drowned

    17. Thank you all for adding to the list. Let’s keep it going!

    18. Chuck Norris thinks that calling him the best is an understatment

    19. When people say they’re stuck between a rock and a hard place they really mean to say they’re stuck between a rock and Chuck Norris’ left testicle.

    20. Gamertag125 Says:

      Chuck Norris can eat Mento’s and Diet Coke at the same time.

    21. Gamertag125 Says:

      Chuck Norris made the civil war Uncivil

    22. Gamertag125 Says:

      -Chuck Norris beat Tetris
      -Chuck Norris can play guitar with one hand
      -Chuck Norris beat World of Warcraft
      -Chuck Norris potty trained a goldfish
      -A Klondike bar would do anything for Chuck Norris
      -Chuck Norris’ slinky works without stairs
      -Chuck Norris is Anakin’s Father

    23. REAL MAN CN Says:

      Chuck Norris never smoke cigarettes – he put tobacco into his nose and fire.

    24. chuck norris fan Says:

      Chuck Norris Doesn’t T-Bag…
      He Potatoe Sacks

    25. chuck norris fan Says:

      Chuck Norris Makes The Incredible Hulk Look Scrawny

    26. once…a talking horse asked chuck nmorris if he was gay…………..that horse was roundhouse kicked through a barnyard

    27. chuck norris eats nails for break fast w/o milk
      chuck norris is the reason dinos r exctinct they were to damn small and weak

    28. Rather than being birthed like a normal baby, Chuck Norris punched his way through the whomb and shortly after grew a full beard and mustache.

    29. -chuck norris lost his virginity before his father

      -chuck norris can unscramble scrambled eggs

      -on the seventh day god said “let there be light”, chuck norris said “ok”

    30. once, chuck norris once visited the virgin islands, when he left, they just renamed them simply, “the islands”

    31. Jovcevski Says:

      We will all forever live in B.C. because CHUCK NORRIS will NEVER DIE!!!!!

    32. -Chuck Norris can stop rock and roll

    33. CHUCK NORRIS doesnt churn butter, he roundhouse kicks the cows until it comes shooting out.

      Chuck NORRIS was in the woods shortly after he hiked 333333333 miles per milisecond he was bit by the deadliest cobra in the world. After days and days of agonizing pain the cobra died.

      cuck norris once brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving a prolonged beard rub. shortly after a small crowd had gathered, chuck norris roundhoused the animal, bringing about instant death, showing that the good CHUCK giveth, and the good CHUCK taketh away.

      CHUCK NORRIS once filmed an episode of WALKER: TEXAS RANGER in france. shortly after the show began filming, the french surrendered.

    34. Chuck Norris invented black, infact, Chuck Norris invented the whole visible light spectrum, except pink, tom cruise invented pink

      Chuck Norris once played tic-tac-toe with Mr.T, Mr.T won….Chuck Norris invented racism

      Chuck Norris’ tears can cure cancer…too bad he never cries

      Chuck Norris once had the idea to can his urine and seel it as a enegy beverage….It is the substance we now know as Red Bull

    35. spencer p. Says:

      chuck norris can belive it’s not butter

    36. Hubert Cumberdail Says:

      Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi

    37. Chuck norris moved all the countries apart

    38. theres no such thing as global warming chuck norris just got cold so he turned up the sun

    39. women are out of style…………
      chuck norris bangs 1,0000 doller pure bread dogs

    40. chuck norris traded his sole to the devil for super amazing martial art skills. shortly after chuck norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his sole back. now thy play poker every friday night

    41. One day Chuck Norris and Mr . T walked into a bar, the bar then blew up because all that awesome cannot be contained in one building.

    42. They say the grass is greener on the other side of the hill, unless Chuck Norris just came from there, cos then its soaked with blood and tears.

      Chuck Norris can’t finish a color by numbers, becasue all his markers are filled with the blood of his victims, and blood’s always the same dark red

    43. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

      Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

      Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

      James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

      Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

      Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

      The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

      Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

      If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.

    44. • chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

      • To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

      • Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

      • There are two types of people in the world… people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

      • Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

      • If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

      • 70% of a human’s weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris’ weight is his dick.

      • Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris’ ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

      • The pie scene in “American Pie” is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris’ case, the “pie” was the molten crater of an active volcano.

      • Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
      • Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

      • Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up– Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

      • MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

      • Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer’s arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

      • Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

      • The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.

      • Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

      • It is said that looking into Chuck Norris’ eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody’s future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

      • Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.

      • Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

      • Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they’re always slick with blood.

      • When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

      • Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question… just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

      • 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

      • Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

      • All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

      • If you’re driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the other way around.

      • July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

      • Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

      • In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”

      • Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

      • If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.

      • In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

      • The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

      • Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

      • When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

      • Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

      • Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

      • Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

      • As an infant, Chuck Norris’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

      • Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

      • Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.

      • There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

      • President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

      • Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

      • Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

      • Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

      • Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

    45. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
      In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
      Chuck Norris demanded live rounds and convicted sex-offenders for every episode of Walker: Texas Ranger.
      Chuck Norris traveled back in time and freed the slaves because he knew he’d need a black partner on his show one day. And by need, i mean do all the bitchwork, because Chuck Norris doesn’t need anybody.
      If you don’t capitilize Chuck Norris’s name, he’ll kill your grandparents.
      Chuck Norris singlehandedly started and ended both world wars.
      Chuck Norris killed hitler, not out of patriotism, but because he had such a sorry excuse for facial hair.
      Chuck Norris shot 50 Cent 9 times but let him live for their upcoming feature film.
      No girls ever fucked Chuck Norris without getting at least 15 stitches.
      Chuck Norris has never had his dick sucked, but he’s fucked a lot of mouths.
      Chuck Norris once boxed a kangaroo on a steel pier at the boardwalk.
      Chuck Norris made the pope question his own sexuality.
      In his autobiography, Chuck Norris accused Jean-Claude Van Dam and Steven Sigal of being “little pussies who probably sixty-nine with each other.”
      Chuck Norris invented doggy-style, except he calls it Chuck Norris-style, and you better too.
      Chuck Norris is the only record in medical history to beat cancer, not by chemotherapy, but a brief series of spinning roundhouse kicks.
      Great White Sharks have an agreement with Chuck Norris, that if he sticks to the land, they’ll stick to the water.
      Chuck Norris can make even the meanest of bull-dykes moist in the crotch.
      Chuck Norris goes door to door across the country making sure people are getting their daily quota of Walker, Texas Ranger.
      Reportedly, Chuck Norris vomits blood upon seeing any Ben Affleck movie, stating that Affleck “couldn’t roundhouse kick his way out of a wet paper bag.”
      A lock of chuck norris’s beard is currently sold on ebay for 12 million dollars.
      Chuck Norris is the current midget toss champion with a record toss of 79 feet.
      Chuck Norris once killed an african elephant with his mind.
      Chuck Norris’s urine is more valuable the gold in many third world countries
      Chuck Norris once was playin a friendly game of golf with the pope. When Chuck shanked a ball into the bunker he began cursing. The pope said, “I will pray for you my son.” Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him to the face stating that no one prays for Chuck Noris besides Chuck Norris, then he stole his wallet.
      When Chuck goes shark fishing, he uses only his beard to catch, kill, gut and cook the shark.

    46. WhoWantsAHug Says:

      -Chuck Norris has a top 6. All of them are Chuck Norris.

      -Chuck Norris can use a 1mm peice of scotch tape to connect together 2 17 ton walls.

      -After eating Taco Bell, Chuck Norris gets explosive diarhea. Selling taco’s to Chuck Norris is now a federal crime and the penalty is slow death.

    47. everyone actually sjares the same father Chuck Norris and if you don’t like tell your adopted father then count to 2 seconds and you will be standing in front of Satan on the doorsteps of Hell

    48. In the original version of “Night of the Living Dead”, Chuck Norris saved the day by eating all of the zombies.
      Chuck Norris won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
      The sweat from the testicles of Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, while harmless on their own, combine to form the world’s strongest steroid or explosive.
      Nietzsche declared, “God is Dead.” Chuck Norris, having just killed god with a wicked awesome roundhouse, raped Nietzsche for his impudence. Nietzsche later died of syphilis. Chuck Norris later kicked some serious ass.

    49. Chuck Norris spent 11 months living at the North Pole. Chuck loves swimming, but to his discontent, there was no lake at the North Pole. Chuck then performed several billion pushups, emitting not sweat, but greenhouse gasses. This produced global warming and melted the polar ice-caps, creating a lake at the North Pole.

    50. The fight scene between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee near the end of “Return of the Dragon” required 58 takes because Chuck Norris kept accidentally beating Bruce Lee. Finally after shooting the scene 57 times, a stunt double had to be brought in to replace Chuck Norris. This stunt double was, of course, a young Vin Diesel.

    51. Chuck Norris drove the train that destroyed Vin Diesel’s muscle car in Fast and the Furious.

    52. Chuck Norris is the only surviving member of Custers Last Stand at Little Big Horn, Montana. Legend has it that the indians (feather, not dot) we’re so frightened of his immense beard, they let him live and gave him the name “He Who Has Face of Fire” and the hunting rights to all the buffalo in their territory. Well, sucks to be them, because it happens that Chuck Norris’s favorite after massacre snack was Vanilla Buffalo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. So what did he do? He ate all the buffalo in the land and subsequently drove the indians to reservations, bad gambling habits, and extinction.

    53. Chuck Norris started the Arbys fast food chain. This was the only was to deal with his ravenous roast beef sandwich cravings.

    54. The lead role for The Pacifier was chosen all depending on a game of Counter-Strike between Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris. Vin Diesel won the game, but only because he was camping. In an angered state of rage, Chuck Norris notified God and got Vin Diesel banned from Earth. That took him down a peg.

    55. Chuck Norris once made a movie using only the line, “I’m Chuck Fucking Norris” repeated hundreds of times. This movie never made it to the public because Vin Diesel was extremely jealous that Chuck Norris was the first one to come up with the idea of a movie involving street racing in the import scene. Vin destroyed all the movie footage, copyrighted the phrase “I’m Chuck Fucking Norris” and made The Fast and the Furious. In return Chuck Norris cast a spell on Vin Diesel that would make all his movies suck.

    56. Contrary to popular belief, the Thirty Years War that raged across the Old World from 1618 to 1648 and left tens of thousands dead was not the result of a pan-European religious debate. It was, in fact, the final escalation of Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel’s long-running practical joke contest. Vin maintains to this day that, “Protestantism was a gag too far”. Norris, of course, knows that it’s just that he lacks a sense of humour.

    57. This one time, Chuck Norris was tied up to a tree. I don’t remember how the rest of the story goes, but I’m sure it involved Chuck Norris raping your face, and giving you beard-burn.

    58. Chuck Norris caddied for the Dalai Lama once. Instead of giving him money, the Lama offered Chuck the ability to receieve total conciousness on his death bed. Clearly upset by this offer, Chuck roundhouse kicked him off a 10,000 ft crevasse.

    59. According to Jay Bials, Chuck Norris is very long. However, Stephen A. Smith convinced NBA GMs not to draft Norris in fear that they would lose their wives.

    60. On several occasions Chuck Norris has been known to give random people whiplash from verbal assault. If you’re lucky, he may let sweet death overcome you by just giving you a swift obscene gesture to the face.

    61. In a hostile conversation between Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel, Chuck was quoted saying, “Vin, why don’t you walk back into your house, go into the pantry, pull out a bag of ‘fuck off’ chips, open the package, decide you need some dip, then open the refridgerator and grab some extra spicy ‘eat shit’ dip, and eat the whole lot, you fucking asshole.” Norris later remarked that though his comments were harsh, he meant what he said and he does not regret it. He continued on to say, “I hate that pansy, I mean he can’t even grow a beard, for fuck sakes!”

    62. Chuck Norris convinced Webster to change the proper English form from “a historic event” to “an historic event” with a single wink of his steely eye.

    63. Chuck Norris posed as Jim Harbaugh the entire 1986 NFL season after he killed him with a roundhouse kick for having attended BYU. He did it only as a favor to Mike Ditka who is one of Chuck Norris’ disciples.
      Chuck Norris doesnt use shaving cream and he never cuts himself. Ever.

    64. Ray Combs of the Family Fued didn’t commit suicide. Chuck Norris killed him and made it look like a suicide because Combs was giving him “the evil eye”.

    65. Chuck Norris only appeared at the 1994 WWF Survivor Series because Vince McMahon promised he and his beard could hold the Tag Team Championship belts. When McMahon went back on his word, Norris went back in time and killed both Andre the Giant and The Texas Tornado.
      The United States armed forces currently employ Chuck Norris in testing thier Abrams Main Battle Tank before sending them into combat. This is achieved by having Chuck Norris attempt to penetrate the hull armor with a single roundhouse kick. 90% of Abrams tanks fail this test.
      Chuck Norris saw the movie, “The Polar Express,” and immediately roundhouse kicked his 6 year old son in the face for convincing him to see it.
      Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man in the face with his penis. Having touched Chuck Norris’ penis, the man instantly turned to gold
      Chuck Norris wrote the Da Vinci Code, but allows Dan Brown to pose as the novel’s author, fearing it will damage his “street cred.”
      Chuck Norris helped Jesus through the hard times, giving him strength by quoting the Scripture. (Norris had somehow gotten his hands on an advance copy of the New Testament, but couldn’t bring himself to tell Jesus how it all ended.)
      After filming Delta Force, Lee Marvin admitted that Chuck Norris is the only person ever capable of winning a staring contest with God while getting a blowjob.
      Chuck Norris hates it when people are right behind him so he killed Vin Diesel and raped Bob Saget.

    66. Bruce Lee will challenge Chuck Norris to a matial arts battle to prove that Chuck Norris is over-rated. When the match begins Lee will point out that Chuch Norris has only one move, “the roundhouse kick”. Chuch Norris will then spend the next three minutes removing his boot from Lee’s face.

    67. Some have wondered why the credits to any of Chuck Norris’ films or movies contain only one name: Chuck Norris. This isn’t because he did every job on the production, but because he makes everyone on the crew dress like him and worship him as a living god… and yes, he does bang them.

    68. Like the new Jeep Hurricane, Chuck Norris can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in 4.9 seconds, and can also an navigate an 86.7 degree slope when moving downward.

    69. One time Chuck Norris left the toilet seat up, and when, in anger, his wife tried to roundhouse kick him, he caught and broke her leg while giving her an uppercut at the same time.

    70. Rainbows are what happen when Chuck Norris round-house kicks Richard Simmons.

    71. chuck norris Says:

      Chuck Norris sky-dived once he promised never to do it again one grand cannon is enough

    72. chuck norris Says:

      some people sleep in superman pajamas, superman sleeps in Chuck Norris pajamas

    73. chuck norris Says:

      Chuck Norris climbed to the top of a never ending staircase

    74. chuck norris Says:

      Chuck Norris climbed to the top of a never ending staircase!

    75. chuck norris Says:

      Chuck Norris is so fast that he broke the time space continuum and went back in time and destroyed atlantis

    76. chuck norris Says:

      Chuck Norris can eat just one lays potato chip

    77. Chuck Norris hates you havent capitalized his names. Your grandparents are going to die by a roundhouse kick to the face and its all your fault chuck norris, and i don’t mean the real Chuck Norris i mean you chuck norris

    78. Chuck Norris died 10 years ago…death just ain’t got the guts to tell ‘im

    79. Chuck Norris walked into a bar…it colapsed

    80. gogmawr Says:

      if you type in ‘chuck norris getting his arse kicked’ in google you will get no results. such a thing has never happened

    81. gogmawr Says:

      chuck norris can jump over a never-ending wall

      chuck norris never bleeds his own blood

      chuck norris killed a shark with his bear hands. that’s right, ‘bear’ not ‘bare’.

      chuck norris can split a proton just by looking at it

    82. Chuck Norris Says:

      I WILL FIND YOU AND ROUNDHOUSE KICK YOU TO THE END OF TIME AND BACK

    83. Stathis129 Says:

      Perfection is the last thing you will sense only after Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick, so is death…

    84. Chuck Norris doesn’t cry his tears just try to escape from him

    85. Chuck Norris doesn’t cry his tears just try to escape him

    86. vacation homes that are near quite beaches are the things that i sought after *

    87. When bruce lee killed chuck norris, he was playing dead to come back and get him in real life.

    88. William Victor Says:

      Chuck Norris doesn’t use a microwave, oven, or toaster, because revenge is a dish best served cold.

    89. I have read some excellent stuff here. Definitely price bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how so much effort you put to create this type of excellent informative website.

    90. Tom foolery Says:

      Anyone can have his cake and eat it too. I respectfully suggest your revise your text to Chuck Norris can EAT his cake and HAVE it too.

    91. When somebody sneezes, Chuck Norris says “Kill you”. Which he does next.

    92. The Space Shuttles were retired because Chuck Norris got bored throwing the damn things into orbit.

    93. Chuck Norris can escape from a black hole.

      The Titanic wasn’t sunk by an iceberg! That was Chuck Norris having a moonlight swim.

    94. chuck norris once threw a boomerang, it was afraid to come back! lmao

    95. Hi there would you mind letting me know which webhost you’re using? I’ve loaded
      your blog in 3 completely different browsers and I must say this blog loads a
      lot faster then most. Can you suggest a good web hosting provider at a fair price?
      Kudos, I appreciate it!

    96. I read this article completely about the comparison of most recent and earlier technologies, it’s awesome article.

    97. shocked civilian Says:

      chuck Norris never won the ultimate showdown of destiny because he was the one how organised it.

      now try disagreeing with him.

    98. NO ONE SPEAKS ABOUT ME AGAIN. GOT IT!! Says:

      ow come on none of these facts are real like that one about if you talk about chuck norris he shows up and bangs you head on the keyborsboigeuigienbouienrboboiemgioperjmhihjrepeherh a brsnrnsgf t

    99. But, even following Jolie-Pitt lawyers wrote to the “News of the Planet”
      saying the story was false, the newspaper then published a second story saying the pair have been arguing over where the
      details they had separated had been leaked from.

    100. Thanks for the marvelous posting! I definitely enjoyed reading it, you can be
      a great author. I will make sure to bookmark your
      blog and will often come back down the road. I want to
      encourage you to ultimately continue your great work, have
      a nice holiday weekend!

    101. The first time I ever saw Chuck Norris he was getting killed by Bruce Lee.

    102. None of you brain-dead morons realize what a waste of time the post is …. I only had to read 2 … so long.
      John P. McKenzie Cosby, TN

    103. chuck norris killed 10 people by yelling BANG!!!

    104. Go into the bathroom, turn off the lights and say bloody mary 3 times… chuck norris will appear.. haven’t you ever wondered why she’s called bloody mary?

    105. Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick a soccer ball from the earth into a 2 by 1 inch goal on the sun.

    106. if a sniper tries to shoot Chuck Norris at point blank range, the bullet will change course in fear of being roundhouse kicked. or he will roundhouse kick the bullet back at the sniper’s face.

    107. Chuck Norris does not bleed, his blood it too scared to.

    108. He once called his friend with a banana.

    109. He used a remote to change the channel, it had no batteries.

    110. the only reason space exists is because its too scared of Chuck Norris.

    111. The first man on the moon was not actually an astronaut. it was really two men, one accidently spilled a drop of tomato sauce on Chuck Norris’ shirt, and the other touched his car.

    112. Hey there, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
      When I look at your website in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some
      overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!

      Other then that, wonderful blog!

    113. Dick heads!!!

    114. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did

    115. Dickhead Chuck Says:

      Bruce Lee beat the shit out of this dick head Chuck.
      A load mouth white trash with NO Class.

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